All the News That's (Un)fit to Print

I have to start off by sending a massive shout-out to my mother, more affectionately known as "E" to her adoring family. E bailed me out of a real laundry debacle earlier this week. The jeans pictured above are from the Gap. (No, that's not me in the picture...that is the size 00 model on the website). They were originally 68 dollars, but I got them marked down for $19.99 a couple of weeks ago. I tried them on and instantly fell in love. Pants are tricky. White pants are even trickier still. So, when the fit was perfect and the price was phenomenal, how could I resist? I had to buy them.

I wore them once and miraculously enough, I didn't have any major stain situations. Even more incredible is the fact that I wore them through an ENTIRE school day without incident. I took them to the laundry mat early this week and upon removing them from the washing machine, I remarked that they were still in their pristine white condition. However, when I took them out of the dryer (tumble dry low, thanks very much), I was horrified to find them covered in small orange stains. I had no clue as to what the source of the stains was, but I pretty much mentally preparing to add them to my clothing-come-dustrag collection.

I complained about this strange stain to E, who stated, with a bold and unfaltering confidence, that she could remove the stain. She hadn't even seen it. I gave her the jeans because, after all, I reasoned that she couldn't do anything worse to them. She called me an hour later, after having attacked the stain with some miracle pre-laundry gel, a cup of bleach and some sexy new Power Tide detergent. She claimed the pants were as pure as the driven snow. I almost could not believe her because when she took them into possession, they were COVERED in this mystery orange crap.

(Lauren concluded that the stains must be rust from the metal divets that hold the jeans together in the pocket area. Because I cannot deal with what unidentified source may have been responsible for the stains in the laundromat, I chose to buy wholeheartedly into her theory and question it no further.)

Anyway, E returned the jeans to me last night and, as promised, they were perfect.

I was planning on having a huge Indian feast tonight with my friends, Peter and Michael. I was fully prepared to order Chicken Tikki Masala, with all the red, thick, creamy sauce. And I was prepared to do so in the WHITE pants. I figured, what the hell, if I spill stuff on them (or should I say WHEN I spill stuff on them), I will give them to the E, the Laundry Swami, to work her magic.

Anyway, that brings me to my next topic. This is a more serious item, so allow me to shift gears.

Peter called me to tell me that his brother's little girl, the fabulously gorgeous Sophia, had fallen and had to go to the hospital. Naturally we put off meeting, but I am asking you all to send good vibes and thoughts toward little Sophie. Peter said that she should be fine, but still...if she's in the hospital, it must have been somewhat serious. Poor little babes.

But, I was craving Indian food, and so I did pick up some Veggie Samosas on the way home. I know, I know...the worst, most fattening thing on the menu. Actually, though, they are pretty small, and I haven't had much all day in preparation for the Indian feed that never really came to fruition. Oh well, I'm sure I'll have no shortage of opportunity to get my ass down to the Indian dump one of these days. It is, after all, conveniently located right across the street from the gym!



So, anyway...

There is an ice cream store located right down the street from my school. We are in a new building this year (well, an old building, actually, but a new location for us) as we await construction of the new school. The owner of the ice cream store called our principal and invited EVERY SINGLE KID in the entire school down for a free ice cream. She accepted without hesitation. The guy probably figures he'll get his product out there and the kids will pester their parents to take them there. Of course, given the fact that most of my 7th graders are about 22 years old, they can just drive themselves down there.

The guy, when we showed up, told the kids they could have anything they wanted. Of course, anticipating that they would unleash their ability to look a gift horse in the mouth, I had threatened them with severe bodily injury (just joking, but I did make myself very clear on the point) they they had better order an ice cream cone and NOTHING more. I know these fools. They would have been down there ordering banana splits and shit.

All I have to say is that the guy could never be accused of skimping. These kids had ice cream cones the size of their heads. They could hardly even finish them. I took it upon myself to order a frozen pudding ice cream for the secretary. I HATE frozen pudding ice cream, so I knew there would be no temptation to eat it. Once again, I was thinking of my Indian feast and refrained from the ice cream bonanza.

But the kids had a great time!



My colleague and I are taking the 7th graders on a field trip tomorrow to the Museum of Science. They are running a show in the Omni Theatre about ancient Greece. We figured it would be good to get the kids out on a trip. Of course, we'll mainly go for the movie. We'll go through the motions of taking the kids through the science exhibit halls, but seeing as where they have not changed any of the exhibits over since I was a kid, I don't think there will be anything riveting to keep us there for hours upon hours.

There is a huge T-Rex statue in the main vestibule of the museum. I think what most people don't realize is that the T-Rex was actually alive and in the museum walking around the exhibit halls at one point...and the exhibit halls have not been updated since.

My colleague and I decided that we are overdue to have our freakin' heads checked. Last year, we did the same thing in taking the kids on a field trip on the last Friday of the school year. They are bound to be completely and utterly crazy. But, whatever. We can at least say that we did our part in taking these kids somewhere.



I can't wait to see the lunches the kids pack for tomorrow. For some reason, when kids go on field trips, they think they have to pack provisions that would feed the entire armed forces of a small nation. I don't know what that is all about and I don't think I will ever figure it out.

Whereas they might pack a baggie full of Pringles for a regular school day, on a field trip, they bring the entire tube of Pringles. Whereas they might bring a sandwich for lunch on a regular day, they will have a 6 foot submarine sandwich on the field trip.

I always advise the kids to order "dry" subs, without oil and pickles and any other ingredients that will proceed to leak all day long, creating the soggy bread mass we all fondly associate with our field trip memories. However, my advice usually falls on deaf ears. They all come in with huge Italian subs with extra hot peppers, pickles, oil, tomato...anything that will make the sandwich essentially turn into goulash. And they eat every last bite of it with a huge smile on their faces.

Gross.

Oh, and let's not forget the fact that they will each have an entire two-litre bottle of Pepsi to wash everything down.




Anyway, one last morsel....

I was at the gym today, warming up on the treadmill, when my nostrils came under vicious attack. I smelled the most offensive, cheap ass mens deodorant/cologne (that shit they sell by the gallon in CVS for .99) eminating from one of the male personal trainers. Healthworks is an all womens gym, but there are some male trainers and instructors. I think most of them try to get all studded up for work because they figure the ratio is in their favor moreso there than anywhere else.

However, the cologne was just completely unnecessary. Thank god I was only doing a ten minute warmup before my muscle class. Because I'm not joking when I say that if I were doing a more lengthy stint on the treadmill, I would have had to change machines.

Yuck!!

Allie's Stage Debut

Allie had her big stage debut this weekend and she proved herself to be a shining star!

Reesie and Peggy came down from Maine for the big event and I'm sure they will report that the dance spectacle turned out to be well worth the trip.

Allie danced to two songs. Well, actually, since I always strive for accuracy in my blog, I should say that she was scheduled to dance in two songs. What really happened is that she stood there as still as a statue for the first song, and dominated the stage with her summersaults and hamstring stretches during the second song.

These are the pictures of the first number, the one in which she didn't dance.



For those of you who don't know Allie, she is the last child on the right hand side of the picture. As you can see, she was perfectly posed with her hands propped behind her head at the start of the routine. Note the fact that all the other children are striking the exact pose.

However, once the music started, Allie maintained that pose and never moved a muscle throughout the entire routine. This is evidenced by the following picture, in which the other children can be seen doing a little dance step that involved turning to the side and doing a little footwork. Not our Allie. She was never crazy about the song and I think this was her way of communicating that point to the audience. Mind you, she stood there as sweet as anything, not crying or carrying on or misbehaving in any way, shape or form. She simply chose to stand there not moving a muscle.



Several songs later, she took the stage againg for the "Lion King, Just Can't Wait to be King." True hilarity ensued.

I was laughing so hard that I could not even begin to think about propping the camera up to take a photo. Lauren and John filmed the whole thing, and that video footage is absolutely priceless. Actually, Allie was so animated in that number that I don't think I could have gotten a clear shot if I had tried.

She was totally unphased by the huge crowd or the dimmed lights. She was working that stage a la Tom Jones, shaking her little caboose all around. The little kid sitting behind me in the audience, upon spotting Allie, said to her dad, "Hey look. There's that little girl. At least this time she's finally doing something!" Reesie and I died laughing.

Anyway, at one point, the kids were supposed to run individually across the stage, stopping midway to do a summersault. When it was Allie's turn, she was having so much fun running across the stage, and she only remembered to do her tumble at the last possible second, when she was practically already behind the curtain on the opposite side of the stage.

My favorite part was at the end of the number, when the kids were bowing and Allie repeatedly snapped herself forward in such an enthusiastic bow that she almost gave herself a severe case of whiplash.

It was hilarious.

At the end of the first act, all of the kids who performed in the first series of songs came out to do a little finale dance and take a few more bows. Toward the end of that little number, Allie just took it completely upon herself to waltz in front of the entire group of kids and do a summersault right on the mat. It was priceless.

I guess this was the litmus test for determining whether or not we have a shy child on our hands. Apparently not.

All I have to say is that if our demure little Allie has this much stage presence....the world won't know what the hell hit it when Caroline decides to take her act on the road!!

Blog-servations of Life in General

I know, I know. I have taken an unacceptably long hiatus from the blogging scene. I've been busy, I guess. Although, that said, I'm not quite sure just what I've been busy doing. All I know is that I've hardly been home lately, my apartment is a total dump, I have mountainous piles of laundry and I have not blogged in days. In my life, these are all the trappings of a chaotic schedule.

As an aside, why is it that my apartment is messiest when I'm not around? Would logic not dictate that if I am not in my dwelling I can't mess it up? Oh well, most of my life runs counter to logic, so why should this be an exception?

Anyway, as I meander around the town these days, I often think about and observe things that would make perfect fodder for my blog. But of course, seeing as where my memory is a sieve, I often forget these things before I sit myself down in front of my computer.

Since I am neither cool enough, hip enough nor rich enough to own a sexy MacBookPro laptop computer complete with wireless internet capabilities, I don't have the luxury of whipping out my computer to blog whenever and wherever the fancy strikes. To that end, I've adopted Allie's fondness for "tiny, tiny notebooks" so as to facilitate keeping track of my blog-worthy experiences.

*Note: Allie does not use her notebooks for blogging; she uses them to maintain her massive princess sticker collection, but still....

Anyway, a brief update of blog-worthy moments...




Last night, after the gym, I went to Harvard Square, having completely forgotten that yesterday was Harvard commencement day. I needed to visit my good friends at Aveda to replenish my rapidly dwindling makeup supply. Anyhow, upon emerging from the train, I saw that the usual swarms of humanity had a slightly different appearance. Oh yes....they were all decked out in their graduation caps and gowns. The commencement exercises had ended hours before, mind you, but there's this ofdd persistance among Harvard grads to walk around in their caps and gowns for DAYS after the commencement. I'm not kidding. And they do not confine their movement to Harvard Square, either. Or to Cambridge, for that matter. Oh no. They will be scene in full graduation gear for up to 72 hours in Somerville, Cambridge and other far reaches of the greater Boston area.

Sure, you could argue that they have the right to be proud of graduating from Harvard, but something about wearing a graduation cap and gown to buy toilet paper in bulk at Costco in Everett 3 days after graduation just smacks of severe attention starvation to me.

Get over it. When I graduated from Bates, the whole ceremony took one hour and when it was over, we had to hand in our robes. No hope of walking around Lewiston/Auburn (Maine) for days on end in the outfit.

Anyway, I almost forgot to mention that when I went to board the T at Porter Square, it was around 6 o'clock, peak rush hour. Tokens are 1.25 each. I needed only one. I presented myself at the token window and gave the cashier a 20 dollar bill. When she saw the 20 spot, she reacted as if I'd just shoved a venemous snake down her pants. She went into frantic plantive cries about only having 2 single dollar bills in the way of change. I told her I still planned to board the next train. I reasoned that since I had been perfectly willing to pay, and she was the one out of change, AND the T is way overpriced anyway, I'd just get on. As I walked through, the token lady screamed, "I'm going to take this up with my supervisor." To that I replied, "Why don't you also take up the issue with him that he left you in a T hub during rush hour at a token booth without even enough change to break a 5." I then turned on my heel, waltzed right through the gates, and boarded the then waiting train.

The rain is driving me mad. If I didn't drink already, I would be driven to do so.

My colleague and I showed the kids the film Apollo 13. What an incredible movie. I'd seen it 100 times and it never fails to move me to tears. History and the 100 previous viewings have enlightened me to the fact that the astronauts survive, but I remain on the edge of my seat every time...especially during the harrowing 4-minute reentry scene. If you have not seen this film, do yourself a favor and see it immediately.

I also feel I owe it to Ron Howard to give him a shout out for this masterpiece, as I was knocking the DaVinci Code recently.

In other movie news, I aws all stoked up to see The Omen, but then realized it was just a total remake of the original. What's with the remake crap?

I have to mention that I had all 8th graders in my room for over 2 hours today. There are almost 40 of them. I then left the room for a second and came back in, only to realize that it stunk to high heavens in there. I guess I had not noticed the BO buildup occuring over the two hours. The kids in my homeroom came back in an almost got knocked out. One of them asked, "What's that smell?"

I said, "My friend, I think what you're smelling is the distinctive aroma of teen spirit."

Have a great weekend!

Quick...Danza's in Jeopardy

I had a chance to watch Jeopardy tonight for the first time in a LONG time. I'm ever so glad I tuned in because if I had not, I would have missed the hommage to our hero, Tony Danza. An entire category, cleverly entitled, "Hold Me Close Now, Tony Danza," honored the illustrious career of our beloved actor.

400 Dollars..



Quick....What's was Danza's character's first name in the TV series "Taxi"?

800 dollars...



In which made-for-TV remake of a big screen film starred Danza in the serious dramatic role of "Juror #7."

1200 dollars....

Who wrote "The Ice Man Cometh", a play in which Danza starred as Rocky the (whore-running) bartender? (I found the "whore-running" comment online. That phrase did not cross Trebek's sacred lips on Jeopardy.)

1600 dollars....



Danza was so successfully paired with an ape co-star in the film, "Going Ape" that he was paired up with yet another one in a later racing flick. What was the racing film?

2000 dollars....

Danza had heavenly help as a pitcher named "Mel Clark" in which film?




Think you know the answers? Submit them and I shall score ye! This is the true test as to whom has the right to proclaim him or herself a true Danza fan.

Answer to California Mo's Burning Question

I was just reading the comment that California Mo placed on my last blog entry about the Donald Trump Show. She basically asked what the hell we're going to do now that "The Donald Trump Show" and "The Amazing Phil" are off the air for the summer.

I felt a little wave of panic when I read the question because what WILL I do all summer with out Trump and Phil?

Then I had the revelation. The answer just came to me in a rare moment of clarity.

I have been jealous all year of Reesie's ability to Tivo and DVR everything (are those the same thing? Is is like saying "cease and decist"? Am I so obviously modern-gadget illiterate?) because she has the ability to relax and watch one show all the way through while recording another for later viewing. Again, might I add, at her own leisure.

I mean, really. I was having a panic attack, racing over to the boob tube during the season finale of "Grey's Anatomy" and an intense episode of "The Donald Trump Show" trying to switch the channels at commerical breaks and get as much of both shows in as possible. I tell you, it was no joke. I didn't know a minute's peace that night. But our beloved Reesie had no such worries. She was able to sit back and watch Grey's Anatomy with ease and comfort, knowing that her sacred DVR/TIVO/VCR (whatever the hell it is) was capturing every last moment of the Trump Show for her to see later.

Have I been jealous of her? Hell yes! Would I go out and get myself one of these recording gadgets? Hell no! (Not because I don't think they're freakin' awesome, but because I would never even figure out how to use it!)

Anyway, back to my moment of clarity. My answer to the "What to do without Trump and the Amazing Phil all summer?"

I will simply use this time to go out and rent the previous seasons of shows that I have either missed or was not able to see because I was watching Trump or the Amazing Phil. I might even go back and rent previous seasons of The Donald Trump Show, just for the laughs and for the scenes not previously shown on TV.

I can't take all the credit for this idea, of course. It was actually planted in my head last week, and it seemed like a good idea then, too. But I think now, with the Trump Show finale looming ominously on the horizon, the school year coming to a close, and the commercials I'm seeing for the absolutely crap shows scheduled for the summer months, I'm more ready than ever to hit the video store.

Actually, let me give credit to the genius who gave me the catch-up-on-previous-seasons-of-hit-shows idea...

It was Julie. At the parade last weekend she suggested "Lost" among other titles. I am primed to get out there and rent that and I'm open to any other suggestions.

Join me in catching up with the rest of your tv viewing friends this summer, especially if you only have ghetto cable and a ghetto remote-controll-less TV like me!

Thanks Julie.

And as for poor Reesie....

Now that you've seen all these shows and the suspense is not there for you...what are you going to do?

And for you, California Mo, I hope this gives you some ideas as to how to deal with a Trump and Amazing Phil Free summer

And Then There Were Two

And so another season of the Donald Trump Show comes to a close. Only Sean and Lee remain. I'd say, judging from the picture, that neither of these guys has a thing to worry about. If they don't make it with Trump, they can resume their former line of work....fencing expensive video game equipment from Wal-Mart. I hear there's good money in that. Maybe not Trump money, but hey, sometimes you have to take what you can get.

I can't remember a season in which the two final candidates failed to even mildly interest me. I don't care about either of these guys. Sean is just annoying and Lee has only gotten this far riding on the coattails of others. How can I respect Sean when all he ever does is flail his arms about while whining about this that or the other? How can I respect Lee when he is clearly only there because he amuses Trump?

My enthusiasm is so minimal that I even FORGOT to fill in my answers to the App-REESE-tice game this week. I think I was depressed about the game after the canning of Roxanne last week. Notice I didn't say that I disagreed with her dismissal. She had really proven herself to be quite the little pain in the ass and deserved to be sent packing. But still, if there were somebody even remotely interesting left in the game I'm sure I would have at least had the fantasy Trump game in mind and I would have gotten around to casting my responses. Ahhh...

Ayway, in spite of being unmoved by the final two, I still have lots to say about the show.



Sean is such a DORK. I love the picture above, where the palm tree is strategically framed in the shot to look like some exotic floral headpiece. I really do hope the photographer did that on purpose.

Anyway, Sean wasted no time in claiming the Bare Naked Ladies concert event for himself, and even less time in procuring Tammy as a teammate. He also chose Tarek, which I thought was a good move, and Andrea, for which I was willing to have a shrink sent at my own expense to have his head examined. She was such a be-otch! Anyway, she was hacking up a lung during the show and left, sobbing, to see a doctor. Idiot. Sean appears to be in complete control of his event, but still, you never know what creative editing has been used and what surprises we can expect next week. Nothing to report on Sean, really, except that he sent Tarek to do all the Pontiac negotiating (I think Andrea was there, but unless I need to let you know that she has some rare tropical disease, contracted from the plantlife hanging above Sean's head, I won't give her any more mention in this blog), while he accompanied Tammy to sample the crab cakes for the event.

Very smart.



Lee was a mess. Is this the face of a maneating Trump executive? I think not.

First of all, he completely let Lenny take control of picking his entire team. Hi, isn't that what project managers do?? Not only that, but he let Lenny pick Pepi, who was fired in week two, and whom Carolyne, Trump and George literally did NOT even recognize (Trump asked them, laughing, "Pepi, you're fired? Did I even say that?) him. Carolyne was almost in tears. George simply scoffed, "Why in the hell would he hire THAT guy?" Lee also picked Roxanne. He did not work with her in the past few tasks, but will, I suspect, soon find out that she is extremely judgemental and simply becomes immature and petulant if the task does not go the way she wants it to go. Lee has his hands full with this crew.

Also, nevermind the crew. Let's take a long hard look at Lee. Actually, let's not..for two reasons. First, he's ugly as hell. Secondly, it does not take more than a fleeting glance to see that Lee is in WAY over his head! He had no idea how to handle the chairperson of the charity he's working for and she was onto him immediately.

I don't know where this is going, but it does not look good for Lee. As I said, though, editing is often creative in the Donald Trump Show, so we'll see where next week takes us.

Stay tuned.

Call off the Search Party...I've Been Found!

Hello Faithful Readers!
I know I have not blogged in ages. I will, sadly, not be able to get a decent entry in before tomorrow, but I wanted to check in with y'all and let you know that I'm alive and kicking!

Mea Culpa

This is a sincere and heartfelt apology to both Lauren and Reesie.



I just reread it, and I thought it came across as a joke, and I think (hopefully) that Reesie interpreted it as the joke that I sincerely meant it to be, but Lauren seems to have taken it seriously. This is entirely my fault. It is hard to understand the tone of a written communication, and I should have thought that through before I posted my "complaint" about Lauren and Reesie.

I beg of you both to understand the following points.

1. I would never EVER be upset with anybody (least of all you guys) for something as stupid as a freakin post on Bill's blog. (Sorry, Reesie, to diminish the imporatnce of your husband's blog, but I really must communicate in all seriousness here), or Slen's Hot Dog Stand.

2. If I did ever have a legitimate problem with either of you guys, I would NOT use this silly blog forum to air my complaints.

I am sitting here with a really sinking feeling in my stomach because I realize that I did exactly what I would never wish to do on this blog, which is offend somebody who reads it.

I always think of this blog thing as somewhere where we all write about stupid stuff, poke fun at one another and have a few laughs.

I must, once again, offer my most humble of apologies.

Please judge me by my intentions, which were purely to be silly and entertain. I am very, very sorry.

Nancy

An Angel (Bill Rancic) Smiles Upon Our Little Reesie

I have to take time out of my already-busy (because I overslept) morning grooming routine in order to bring you this important news. Why Reesie hasn't, at the very least, blogged about this is completely beyond me. However, I did email her demanding and explanation, and I would expect that she'll have some excuse for us in my "comment" area later.

Anyway, what's all the hype?

Reesie has been emailing her husband, Bill Rancic, after each and every episode of the Donald Trump Show, often hurling her hilariously-worded insults at the contestants and being the armchair "I-would-have-done-this-differently" Project Manager. She has been waiting patiently, week after week, for her husband to acknowledge her emails by responding to her in his blog.

I hadn't checked Rancic's blog in a couple of weeks, so I figured I'd check in last night. I had to backtrack a couple of episodes to catch up on his commentary.

I logged into week 11 and first read Bill's comments. I then ventured into the "viewer response" section. Halfway through the first email posted, in which the author stated that Lee and Sean's XBOX tent looked like something you'd see at a flea market, I thought, "this could easily have been Reesie."

Sure enough, upon finising the rather ejoyable letter, I came to the signature to discover that the author was, in fact, our hero, Reesie...



(The above shot is yet another picture of Reesie at her birthday party. She is shown with her favorite gift, "The Reester Bunny," given to her by Julie.)

You can read Reesie's letter to Bill, and his reply at this site....

http://apprentice.tv.yahoo.com/trump/05/show/billsblog/index.php?ept_episode=11

(I tried to put it in a hyperlink, but I can't figure it out. Get over yourself and freakin' cut and paste into your search bar!)




Here's a picture of Bill telling Trump that Reesie was utterly disgusted by Lee and Sean's XBOX display. Trump has promised to call Reesie for consultation on further boardrooms. I think that is only normal.

But anyway, figuring as where Reesie did not even acknowledge this 15 minutes of fame, I figured I would do it for her.

Nevermind blogging, I would have figured Reesie would have made up t-shirts advertisig this event. Or perhaps she would have hired the Blimp to hover over the Sox games to let fans know that she had been acknowledged by Bill.

This all just seems a little anti-climactic,and I demand that Reesie explain herself!!!

The DaVinci Code....Uncrackable

In spite of the horrendous reviews received by little Opie Cunningham's film interpretation of Dan Brown's bestseller, "The DaVinci Code", Stephen and I, like the true lemmings we are, joined millions of Americans in queuing up last night to see the movie. (We did have one free pass given to us by a friend, but still, we contributed to the opening weekend hype.)

Oddly enough, we almost never go to see movies in the theatre. In the almost three years that we've been dating, I think we've been to the cinema together twice. And, as I said before, we were both aware of the crappy reviews. For some reason that I can't quite figure out now, we still decided to go see it.

Anyway, if you're worried about any possible spoilers, you can cast that fear aside and read on.

You see, we sat there, through the VERY long film, waiting for those critical, "code-breaking" moments to come up, mentally sorting through the interminable piles of historical facts and data presented throughout the film in preparation of the big scenes. The real drama occurred when, during all three "big" secret-revealing scenes, the sound went completely out. I mean, there was the film, plodding along before us, secrets being unearthed left and right, and we weren't able to hear a single sound.

Three times this happened.

I was wondering if we were on candid camera or if Cunningham, knowing that everybody had already read the book, simply decided to cut back on sound production costs by having the audience improvise their own dialogue. Was I supposed to have brought my copy of the book along in order to fill in the dialogue on my own?

Very funny stuff!

You'd think people would be angry, right? Actually, most of my fellow moviegoers were laughing and shouting out cheeky dialogue of their own.

It was just so perfectly timed at one point, though. Tom Hanks and Audrey Tatou had just figured out that her character was a very central figure in the mystery of the DaVinci code. Hanks was about to explain the whole thing to Tatou, and in this dramatic build up toward the ultimate revelation, he said, "Sophie, you have to understand that you are...." NO SOUND!

Don't rush out and see this movie if you don't want to walk out feeling as if you've wasted 2 hours and 29 minutes of your life and 10 dollars of your hard-earned salary. It would make a decent rental at some point, but really folks, take it from me..save your time and cash.

I liked this review in the Boston Globe...

"Nothing really works. It's not suspenseful. It's not romantic. It's certainly not fun," said Stephen Schaefer of the Boston Herald.

"It seems like you're in there forever. And you're conscious of how hard everybody's working to try to make sense of something that basically perhaps is unfilmable."

That pretty much sums it up as far as I'm concerned.



I have to comment upon the albino guy, Silas, though, before closing out. He was such a dork! I have also read that Albinos are making fun of the film because Albino's are afflicted with poor eyesight, and yet this clown is going around the world, sneaking up on people in dark places and essentially working as a spy and assassin.

Ha ha!

In general, the movie was dull. The DaVinci Code book was pretty good. It was a real page-turner and there were some pretty suspensful elements. But, you had to be willing to read through the art history stuff (which I enjoy anyway), and I think it was even more exciting for me because I know Paris and was able to relate to the places described.

The film, however, often got lost in art/historical explanations and because of the constant dim lighting, was boring and exhausting. Even Tom Hanks, whose presence on the big screen has become so commonplace as to inspire pre-release critique that he might taint the film's integrity by being "too Tom Hanks" and therefore detracting from the storyline, was boring and, for the most part, completely unanimated.

The woman, Audrey Tatou, who played Amelie in the wonderful French film of the same name, was pretty pathetic. I don't think any actors could have bailed this film out to be quite honest.

I feel bad mostly for Tatou because she stands to lose the most. I mean, let's consider the key players.

Dan Brown-- Nobody is really going to slam him for the crappy film interpretation of his book. He is, after all, a writer, not a director.

Little Opie Cunningham--He is normally a great director and has established himself many times over with awesome movies like "Apollo XII." (Which I saw for the first time in Maine with Reesie so many years ago. She dragged me there in spite of my proclamation of my hatred for space movies. I ended up seeing it THREE times in the cinemas and countless times on VHS or DVD.) Everybody's entitled to create one shit movie. If this were Cunningham's first film, he might have something to sweat about, but he's not going to lose any real street cred at this point in his career.

Tom Hanks--Yeah, right. As if this guy's going to stop getting offered every single role in Hollywood because of his appearance in one crappy film.

Tatou-- Trying to bust into the Hollywood acting scene with this film as her breakthrough vehicle. Again, of all these folks, she is the most at risk of having her career adversely impacted by her wet noodle personality in the film.

I can't emphasize it enough...save your time and cash!

Back from the Beyond

Let's get the most important subject right out in the open...

BEER!!

I am enjoying a Palaner Lager as I blog this Friday evening. This beer is going down easy. Perhaps too easy. But what do I care? I am at home. I do not have to drive anywhere, and the only place I have to be in the morning is the gym. No need to iron clothes, apply makeup, or try to look respectable. No worries. Bring on the beer.

I have not blogged in a week, and although I should be trying to catch you up on important happenings in my life, (such as the fact that I found out TODAY that one of my students has been bullied all year long by other kids in school), I will instead comment upon the escapist world of television programs and other equally insignificant items.

1. Thanks for sticking with me through my endless template pages. I liked my original format, but I felt like I needed a more summery change. I switched to pink. It didn't work for me. I am back to the original design of my blog, but the colors are slightly different. Brighter, perhaps.

2. Donald Trump Show...




I think this says it all!

Sean knew his Walmart task was going to hell in a handbasket pretty fast. This is the finished product.




The "boys" decided to outsource the design of the display to a graphic art company. Big mistake. In theory, of course, it is completely acceptable to outsource such aspects of the task as graphic design, but when the artist called and said that he needed an extra SEVEN HOURS to execute the floor, Sean just sat there. He never saw the need to institute a "plan B." Shouldn't he have realized that the graphic designers were completely unreliable? The short answer is yes. Immediately upon smelling this rat, Sean should have jumped on the ball and figured out a way to make his display happen.

As you can easily see from the picture above, the XBOX hut was a dump. The thing had no roof and was essentially caving in upon itself.

The men won simply because they had a few strategically placed Walmart price tags lying around. They had iPods in Styrofoam cups and a plethora of equally pathetic dispays, but they did display the Walmart prices.

In the end, this ended up winning the task for the boys.

I was disappointed in the pathetic work the women did. In particular, I was really disturbed by Roxanne. Roxanne is my season pick and she had, prior to this task, always proven herself to be reliable, dependable and ethical. In this task, however, she decided she didn't like what Tammy was doing right from the get-go, and she never even so much as lifted a finger to help Tammy.

Allie and Roxanne are lethal together. If they like you, they'll kill themselves working for you. If they do not like you...pack your bags.

I feel as if the producers of the Donald Trump Show have put so much work into playing up the friendship of Roxanne and Allie that they will most likely be squaring off against each other in the finale. What better drama than two best buds facing off against each other in the finale?



Onto the Amazing Phil...I mean, Race..



BJ and Tyler, the Hippies, won the race. I was extremely happy that the frat boys didn't win because they were just arrogant jerks. I didn't mind Ray and Yolanda so much, but they would be hours and hours behind in every task and catch up at the airport to even out the playing field. If they had won I would have been bummed. They were always getting lost and shit and they only ever caught up because of long flight delays, etc. I was glad they got eliminated in the end...for the fairness and integrity of the game.

Grey's Anatomy..

I took Reesie's advice and rented out the first season.



Funny how going back in a series gives perspective.

In this second season, I thought Meredith was so whiney and pathetic. Now, however, upon seeing the first episode I realize the extent to which McDreamy pursued her WITHOUT telling her he was married. She tried to resist and he just kept coming after her. He really hurt her and she deserves to be hurt. And if she decides to be whiney and bitchy while she's recovering, fair play to her!

Christ!

This is a tough TV night!




I came home to find our fearless leader, George W. Bush droning on endlessly about some crap on every single TV channel I have, which, granted, does not amount to any great number. But still, did I really want to have that boob greet me when I walked in the door after a long day at work and a grueling workout at the gym?

Nevermind. This is the least of my television woes this evening.




It is Monday night, so naturally I will be watching the Donald Trump Show. I don't get why the show is on at 10 tonight instead of appearing in its normal 9 o'clock time slot. Whatever. I'd watch the Donald Trump Show at midnight if I had to.




But, and here's the kicker...

Grey's Anatomy is on (season finale) from 9-11, which means I'll miss the last hour of it. I need not tell you that I do not have Tivo and all those other TV bells and whistles.

What do do?

Sunday Night, Beer-Indused Jovi Musings

Yes, it is Sunday. Yes, I should be responsibly preparing for the school week ahead. And yes, I'm failing miserably in this arena. I have just opened a beautiful Paulaner Munich Lager to sip on while I blog. Never fear, this will be my one and only beer of the evening. After this, I'm turning in.

I've just returned from "up north." Stephen and I and the Hungarian crew were just in New Hampshire at the cabin for the weekend. I hadn't been up in months because, as much as I enjoy the inherent hedonism of a "cabin weekend," I simply cannot endure the frigid cold temperatures. So, several weeks ago, when this weekend was tossed out there as a definite cabin weekend, I agreed to go. I figured, "How the hell cold can a mid-May weekend be?"

Well, it turns out the cold was hardly the issue. Anybody who tuned into my previous blog entry knows that the non-stop rain has been utterly depressing here over the past week or so. The cabin and its environs were completely drenched all weekend, too. Not as bad as here in Boston, mind you, but still...

It was warm enough, but the rain rendered any outdoor activity virtually impossible yesterday.

Granted, today, Stephen and I were able to do the 8 mile walking loop, and that made me feel slightly better about my weekend sloth mode. It was a fun weekend, but I'm glad to be back. The driving was horrendous. It was impossible to see more than 5 feet in front of the car because of the downpours, and of course, assholes in SUVs were annoyed at the fact that we were actually adhering to the posted speed limits and felt the need to bare down upon us, honking their horns and intimiating us into moving out of their way. Jerks!



And here in Boston, once again, the heavens are wide open and the rains have reached biblical proportions.



Yes, I realize that I've now placed the same pic in my post twice, but I feel the need to emphasize just how shit this rain is!!




While I'm on the issue of water, I feel the need to comment upon something that I saw on the boob tube last week and have only now found a moment to blog about. What th ehell is with this guy, David Blaine, trying to hold his breath for 9 minutes? Never mind that part. I can actually understanding somebody wanting to perform some amazing human feat and even more, to do so in front of a large live and television audience. I guess I don't even care so much about why this dude wanted to perform this stunt. What boggles me more is why the hell, immediately prior to undertaking the task, he had to submerge himself in a massive tank of water for 8 days in the middle of Rockerfeller Plaza. Supposedly he was in there the entire week. The real magic here is how the guy managed to hold his bladder evacuations. Or better still, how did he manage to evacuate his bladder without our being able to see it in the clear water in which he was "entombed?" Am I the only one who wonders about these things? I mean, I probably pee more than the average person. I'm always on the can. Presumably I have the availibility of toiled facilities on my mind more than your average schmoe, but still....somebody else had to have asked him/herself the same question, right? I can't be alone in wondering about this.

It turns out, this is the same guy who lived in a glass box high above London for 44 days a while back. That's glass, folks. As in clear. Again, where was the can?

I am befuddled.



I never got to comment upon the "Amazing Race" this week. All I can say is "Go Hippies!!" I love those guys and I hope they take the whole freakin thing! I was very glad to see "MOJO" eliminated this past week, partly because they were annoying and partly because they were messing with the hippies.

This upcoming week is the season finale! Stephen and I have already orchestrated our plans to watch. I suggest you do the same.



I know I am all over the map here, but what can I say? I'm scattered tonight.

I just want to extend my external gratitude to Steve Jobbs, Apple CEO, and the good people at the Apple engineering department for bringing me my beautiful iMac G5. I tried to load Lauren's camera into my mother's PC a couple of weeks ago, and I could not even begin to figure out where the photos had gone to in the computer. They are in there somewhere. Of that I have no doubt. But screw me if I can find them. On my beautiful Mac, all I have to do is plug the camera in to the computer, and the iPhoto application opens itself up and loads the pictures in on its own.

And recently, my friend has had a major crash on his PC and has had to rely on his Mac. Naturally, his Mac has not failed him in this crisis.

I just love this freakin' thing and everytime I try to do something on a PC and fail miserably, I fall to my knees and thank the good people at Apple.

Anyway, that's all I have to say at the moment.

My Mac and I are signing off!

FUCK NEW ENGLAND

Sorry to greet you with such profanity, but I'm fed up!

This has been the weather forcast for the LAST FOUR days and it is expected to last throughout the NEXT TEN days AT LEAST.



I mean, Christ. This is total crap. The past few years have proven to me that May is yet another of the formerly-Spring months that has gone over to the dark side of winter. I remember as a kid thinking that the arrival of March was a good thing. It used to be that March, although still chilly, was the beginning of the end of winter. Now, ha! March is just another full-out winter month here in New England.

Surely we get a few nice days in April as a general rule, but for the past few years, May (formerly my favorite month of the year) has been a total bust. Two years ago, it rained for 28 days in May!

In all probability, any upcoming Red Sox games will be cancelled or subject to insanely long rain delays.



Nevermind the baseball games. Just trying to take a walk outside turns into a completely ugly undertaking. Hi, everyone, it is mid-May and I am still wearing my winter sweaters and raincoat. In the gym today, a woman came in wearing her hiking boots, and they were completely soaked! What the hell????

Oh, and when it isn't raining around here, the place looks a little something like this...



Boston can, of course, be a lovely city. On our ONE DAY of summer, the place looks beautiful. See for yourself.





I am hereby diagnosing myself with seasonal mood disorder and perscribing myself large doses of medication (of the persuasion available at Jerry's Liquor store. No, I'm not related to the Kennedys! I come from New England, too, but my similarities to that clan are confined to purely geographical matters.)

Jay Leno-- A Strange, but Fun Bedfellow

Sometimes, when my back is feeling particularly tight or causing other forms of unpleasant discomfort, I just throw my pillows, blanket and heating pad on the floor and sack out for the night. For the most part, I wake up feeling OK, and head back to my real bed the following night.

I discovered, however, a few weeks ago, that settling down on the floor in front of the TV can be quite relaxing. I even fell asleep with the TV on one night, and awoke at around 3:00 AM to find an installment of the Tonight Show with Jay Leno being broadcast. It was followed by an episode of Conan O'Brien. I continued to drift in and out of sleep, catching bits and pieces of Jay's jokes. I have to say that I found it pretty enjoyable.

I have to admit that I've been sleeping on the floor in my living room very frequently lately. Not always because of my back, either. Sometimes, I just think it would be nice and comfy to throw down my blanket and pillows and nestle myself atop my heating pad and drift off to sleep with some show quietly lulling me to sleep.

In the past weeks, I have become quite the fan of Grey's Anatomy, which airs Sunday nights at 10. Naturally, I absolutely HAVE to watch the Donald Trump Show on Mondays, but where I would normally turn in right afterwards at 10, I now leave the TV on through "Medium." Sometimes I fall asleep during the 10 PM show, and sometimes I stay awake for it.

I always have the news on after whatever airs at 10.

I wake up slowly to the news and find that it stimulates me into thinking about what's happening in the world, and it makes getting up much easier.

Anyway, I have just returned from doing a food shop and I have to now go finish putting away the 7,000 tons of laundry I did last night. Then I will squeeze in a quick workout, after which I will settle in to watch "The Amazing Phil."

Go Hippies.

Its been a long day. And a long week. I think Jay and I will be ready to turn in on the early side tonight.

Michael gets TRUMPED by Lee...and other boring things in my life

Forgive me if I come across as "BUI" (Blogging Under the Influence.)

I have had a rough day, kids, and I deserve the oversized glass of Sauvignon Blanc I'm currently imbibing.

Let me give you the brief rundown of the day's events.

First of all, the weather here is absolute shit. It is pouring out, and the temperatures, although hovering somewhere around 60 degrees, feel to be more in the 40s because of the wind and rain. The weather forecasters don't call for any clearing until, get this, at least A WEEK from now!

So, that's the first thing. Those of you who know me are well aware of the fact that I just do not do crap weather.

Anyways, on top of the miserable weather, I was observed by my department head today. Don't get me wrong, the review was glowing and the department head was delighted with my lesson. He even asked me to "present" it to my colleagues at my upcoming social studies meeting, but I HATE having evaluations and observation visits. It sucks! One of the things that makes me laugh about this whole evaluation process is that they are all racing to get the things done and handed into central administration "on time" and they pretend to be all concerned about what's going on in the classrooms, but they don't drag their asses down to observe us until MAY! Hello. The school year ends in June. If they were really concerned about accuracy in curriculum implementation, wouldn't they be down to visit my lesson much, much earlier than May 9th? I mean, Jesus, imagine if I were doing something hideously wrong. What kind of redirect can I undertake with 6 weeks left in the schoo year?

Anyway, after work I had a really grueling workout. Then I did about 7 cubic tons of laundry and it is only now that I've returned home. I've stuck some soy veggie munchies in the oven and I am currently sipping the aforementioned generously sized glass of Suvignon Blanc.

Enough about me. Let's talk Trump!

I am amazed that Lee lasted yet another week. Is anybody seeing through this guy? I know, for sure, that Trump isn't.

Let's just look at the fundamentals of the task.

Lee assigned Michael microphone duty and then critisized Michael for having clung tenaciously to the microphone rather than make sales. In the meanwhile, Lee birthed the concept of the eating concept, but honestly, an event like that needs an emcee to keep things lively and to attract participants. Michael took that task seriously. Maybe Lee's sales weren't hurt by the fact that Michael wasn't actively selling, but rather by the fact that Lee dramatically underpriced every item on the Outback menu.

The best part of the entire show was when the men were fighting for their lives and defending their "concept." Sean played it from the angle of, "But there were so many people around our tent. We had so much attention!" He obviously thought he should earn some kind of kudos for this from Trump.

Trump barely let him get his though across before cutting in with the terse reply, "I don't care!"

Trump, with these three words, just let those boobs know that he wasn't interested in their pathetic excuses. He was interested in sales and money!

I agree with Carolyne that Michael had "no competitive edge" but I think the grounds on which Trump fired him were bogus. Trump claimed that he was firing Michael because Michael was willing to share out the cheerleaders. In the end, the cheerleaders obviously had not positive impact on the event. I think it was stupid of Michael,too, but isn't it ultimately Lee who fucked up and failed to see the the most important aspect of the task was not throwing a frat party but rather selling Outback food?

I can't stand Lee and I hope to see his scrawny ass get canned soon!!!!

Reesie Quiere Cerveza

And who am I to stand in her way?

I know, I know...another weekend of beer-pic -duty slacking. What can I say? I'm just too damn busy drinkin' the stuff to actually sit here finding cool pictures of it to post. At least that's a valid excuse, right? And you can all rest easy knowing that I wasn't doing anything detrimental to my weekend beer psyche...like working or housecleaning or saving the world.

The weather has been exceptionally beautiful here over the past few days. Last week was very typicall "New England." Monday was rather nice, sunny and a balmy 60 or so degrees. Then, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday presented us a full-throttle return to winter. It was freezing cold, rainy and the sun was absolutely nowhere to be seen.

Friday it was almost 80 degrees.

Welcome to New England.

Anyway, as Lauren stated in her blog, anytime we get two consecutive days with temps reaching over 60 degrees, we know Spring is here. And boy, do we welcome it with open arms and wreckless abandon!

On Friday, after work, I went to the gym, but could not bring myself to stay for two whole classes. Instead, I did the earlier class, then lifted weights for about a half hour, thus cutting my time indoors down by at least a half hour. Stephen then called me and announced that he wanted to hop on his bike and cycle over from Brighton to meet me in Cambridge for a beer. I was on board for that one. Realizing that Friday was "Cinco de Mayo" I felt compelled to order a frosty cold Corona with a nice hunk of tangy lime. That was the first Corona of the evening, but it was not to be the last.

On Saturday, we biked from my place over to Stephen's, picked up his car and drove back to my place to pick up my little Zip Car.

I have to admit...I was really nervous before the driving expedition. I started getting a headache and feeling the stress materialize where it always does with me...right in my back. But, I was bound and freakin' determined to get that little Scion Bento Box and drive the thing around....




Seeing the car, I'm sure you'll understand why I call it the Bento Box. It is actually the Scion xb. I have to say, I really liked it and felt good about driving it around. There was one time when I put too much gas into an inclined turn and I almost killed a few grandmothers coming at me in a Toyota Carolla. But, we had just commented on the really powerful brakes on the Scion and they certainly proved themselves useful in that situation. There was another instance where I took a turn on a pretty narrow street with cars parked on both sides and I got pretty damn close to the cars on the passanger's side. But, luckily, I once again escaped any trouble.

I took it into some areas with lots of traffic and just tried to do my best not to have a heart attack. I did pretty well.

I have to say that Stephen was a great coach and I appreciate the support. I also have to say that he had to pull the car back into the very tight space at the end of the outing because if I tried to park that thing, I would have wiped out the side of my car as well as the Toyota Matrix Zip Car parked next to it.

But people, I gotta tell you..Zip Car rules.

I showed up, swiped my card, the car unlocked, the key was right there, and the car was ready to go.

When I was done, I swiped the card one more time to lock it and singal that I was finished with it, and boom...nothing more to do.

It was great.

I was a little too adrenaline-pumped to try the really tricky crap like city parking and shit, but we are going to take another one out for an hour some night this week so I can do some work on that stuff.

Fun...

Maybe I'll take out the VW Bug. Or maybe the Jetta. Or maybe a Mini. Or the Scion Xa. Options are fun!!

Better Late Than Never....

I have a lot to say about this week's installment of "The Donald Trump Show." Although some of the decisions have been really for the Donald (some candidates have literally put their own heads on a stake and handed them to the Donald to parade around the marketplace), others have confounded me deeply.

This week's episode presented a strange combination of the two.




Let's start off with the obvious.

Charmaine was basically asking Trump to can her. She refused to take any initiative to advertise the Hair-Cuttery Grand Opening Event, instead opting to unpack boxes of product. Although I hate to side with Lee on any point, he was dead right when he said that unpacking boxes was something that could and SHOULD have been something that the group did late at night. They should have used those critical afternoon and evening hours to get out there and pound the pavement, letting people know the dump would be opening.

Even at the salon, during business hours on the day of the grand opening, Charmaine and Michael stood there like a couple of wet noodles, not interracting with the few customers they did manage to coax through the doors. They could have been ushering people over to the products, encouraging them to buy, buy, buy. Instead, Charmaine got her hair did by one of the stylists...and she got so BUSTED by Bill. Lovely!



Meanwhile, Tarek got canned, presumably for being "difficult to lead." Granted, he was being obnoxious, but he was not doing anything Lee wasn't doing.

In the end, Trump fired Tarek and Charmaine.

I contend that if Trump wanted to fire two people, he should have chosen either Charmaine and Michael (for doing nothing) or Lee and Tarek (for making a joke of the task.)

I remain confused.

Perhaps I Was Just Not Born To Drive

Ok, so I know I have to get over my embarrassment at not driving, and my fear of driving and just start freakin' driving, right?

All of my faithful readers can attest to the fact that I have been actively taking the necessary measures to get myself on the road for once and for all.

I joined Zipcar so that I can crash up a few of their vehicles instead of buying one of my own at first.

I even signed up for a few driving lessons. I explained to the guy at the auto school that, in fact, I have had my license for years, but that I have not been driving and feel that a few brush-up lessons would be helpful. The guy on the phone didn't seem to find anything strange in this request. Actually, he said that he does "refresher" courses all the time because lots of people who live in urban areas tend not to drive, and then get rusty on their skills and need a few lessons before starting back up. In fact, the guy was commending me for recognizing that I should take a few lessons instead of just going back out there without practicing.

Anyway, yesterday I show up at the auto shool. The instructor was late and when he did pull up in the car, he stopped about ten feet in front of where I was standing and just sort of sat there in the car. I engaged in somewhat of a battle of the wills with this guy, reasoning that if he is the instructor and he is representing this driving school, he should behave professionally and get out of the car to greet me properly.

The stand-off continued for several uncomfortable moments until eventually I went over and bent down at quite an unflattering angle to ask the guy if he was there to pick me up for the lesson.

Before I could ask, he barked, "You here for a lesson?"

I said yes and he told me to get in the car.

The thing that struck me immediately was the driver's hideous breath. I'm not talking about a little garlic at lunch, people. I'm talking full out halitosis.

Gross.

Then the guy asked me if I had a driver's permit. I told him that I had my license.

"License? You got that? Why you need lesson?"

I replied, "Well, I thought we spoke about this."

The guy starts doing this confused arm jig and saying, "What? Who? Spoke what? Where? "

I looked at him, unsure of what to say. I had already spoken to his colleague and explained the whole situation.

Finally he asked me, "Why you need lesson? What? You stupid?"

Those of you who know me will be SHOCKED to learn that I said nothing. I simply snapped my license from his grubby fingers and got out of the car. I was pleased when the door grated violently against the curb because he had parked too close. Normally I would have walked away leaving the door wide open, but I could not resist the temptation to press down really hard on it while shutting it, thus allowing it to scraped into the curb again.

As I walked away, he yelled out the window, "Hey, you owe me 35 dollars!"

I called back, through my laughter, "Sure, I'll pay you 35 dollars to call me stupid."

With that, he sped his halitosis ass out of there.