I have a few things to talk about this evening. And yeah, it's Saturday night at 7:44 and I'm sitting in my living room watching bad TV (Stylista on VH1) with no intention of going out. What of it? We can't all be my hip, fashionable, cool, socially sought-after, young-sprite-of-a-thing, painfully cool cousin Bobby, who has been to some happening Christmas party every night since the beginning of December. Some of us are elderly losers who look forward to solitary Saturday nights at home in front of bad shows.
LOL.
Anyway, Lauren, my mother, and I went to Foxwoods casino this weekend. I'm a VERY unseasoned gambler. This was only my second time in a casino.
I got down to Foxwoods and quite honestly didn't know what to do when I got to the casino. Actually, I hit the hotel gym when we first arrived, and Lauren and my mother went down to the Casino. I had to have my mother meet me at the entrance to the casino and walk me through all the money exchanging processes and give me a brief (OK...extensive) tutorial as to how to play the machines. I was totally clueless.
My first series of games resulted in my losing twenty dollars in as many seconds. Honestly. I found out that I had been playing "dollar slots." Every game cost me a dollar. I guess I should have just stripped out of my shirt and handed it to the door attendant at the casino. It would have been easier. Then again, NOBODY needs to see that shit, so forget it. I'll keep it all buttoned up.
Not long after entering into the casino, I found a "Village People" slot machine! Nice.
I won some cash on the thing. It was red hot for a while. Nobody could touch me. I was getting ready to singlehandedly take down the entire casino. I was winning around 200 dollars. I don't think Foxwoods has ever seen anybody on a red hot roll like that. They'll be talking about it for years. And I'm sure they were sweating the loss.
I cashed out and took my winnings to the Hard Rock cafe, where we proceeded to call Reesie. Sorry, Reese...we were about fifteen cheap ass free drinks into the evening by the time we got you on the blower.
Anyway, I found an Irish themed machine and played that with some success for a while. Mind you, when you're playing nickel slot machines, "some success" means that I was winning .25 a game.
I found some machine called "Stinking Rich" with skunks and shit all over it. I played three or four games with a ten dollar voucher. The worst thing is that I keep pressing the button without any idea what's really going on. I just have absolutely no idea what the rules, objectives, or winning criteria are. I just push the button and sit there and gape stupidly while the screen moves to the sounds of inane casino music. Within a few minutes, I was up to around 80 dollars on that machine. Then, just as quickly, they were telling me I no longer had any money to play it.
Huh?
That was the end of my gambling for the evening.
I retired to this bar area. I figured I would have a decent glass of wine, even if I had to pay for it, and then retire to the room.
I was shocked to find that the wine would either cost me 9 dollars if I chose not to play the casino machine located right on the surface of the bar in front of me, of be complimentary if I chose to place the minimum bet (5 dollars) in the machine. I asked to make sure I was understanding correctly. I could pay 9 dollars with no possibility of winning anything, or 5 dollars with the possibility of winning millions.
Yep. That was the case. I chose to play, of course. Naturally I won nothing. But still...I figured I was ahead of the game on the wine at least. I was clearly no longer playing when the guy came and offered me another glass of wine. I reminded him that I was no longer playing, and had in fact only bet five bucks. He didn't think this was a problem, and was prepared to keep pouring just on the basis of my having placed a five dollar bet a half hour earlier. I turned down the wine and retired to the room.
This morning, the three of us had a disappointing breakfast at Panera (Lauren was surprised that I had stated my dislike of Panera, but I have yet to have a really pleasant meal there), and then retired to the casinos for a little more play. We are all painfully early risers in the morning, even on days off. The three of us had showered, packed our bags, and eaten breakfast by 7:00 AM. I decided to try to go back and earn my millions on my previously red hot Village People machine. It was stone cold. I wasted perhaps another twenty dollars on the thing before throwing in the towel.
I returned to the room at 8:00 or so. We had given each other a 10:30 meeting time, so I was able to get in some quality reading, and watched a really horrifyingly bad, but somewhat funny nonetheless movie starring Bernie Mac. That bastard was funny, god rest his acerbic soul.
In the end, I returned to Boston with the exact same sum of cash in my wallet as when I went down there. I guess the experts call this "breaking even" and they consider it to be a small victory on behalf of the player. So I'm pleased enough about that. But even for me, a self-proclaimed non-gambler, the lure was somewhat strong. I had to will myself away from the Village People machine. It was crappy this morning, and I knew it. But I kept telling myself that if I stuck another twenty into it, it might heat up again. Luckily I didn't yield to the temptation, but it was a challenge for me to walk away.
Maybe I need professional help.
Onto this next topic. You should all read this great book! Freakin' hilarious. My favorite part of the whole book is when the author tells of her friend, a middle school teacher for behaviorally disturbed boys, who gets her class in control by threatening to show her wedding video. She did it once before, much to the horror and chagrin of her boys. They started towing a very straight line in order to avoid this nightmare again. Now, all this woman has to do when her kids are acting like jackasses is gesture toward the drawer containing the video, and they immediately start profusely apologizing for the behavior.
Shit...why didn't we hire a videographer for our wedding? What were we thinking? I know we had said it was too expensive at the time, but when I think of the hours of horror I could have inflicted on poorly behaved middle schoolers, I regret my peny pinching ways.
Oh well, there's always the dreadfully boring three-hour film "The Trial of Standing Bear" that can be pulled out, dusted off, and shown for jackasses to watch if their behavior merits the torture.
I think that might be all I had to say.
Well...I'm sure I had more, but I'm hungry and my dinner is ready.
