Welcome to Somerville, a place that, up to now, has been a puzzle, inside of a riddle, inside of an enigma. Ever wondered at how housing prices and general living expenses can be so sky high in a city that seems to be peopled with a disproportionate amount of lowlives (see toothless wonders, degenerates, drunks, slobs, and dive bar affectionados)?
Don't get me wrong, I count myself as a lifelong, enthusiastic member of many of the abovementioned subgroups of our fair city's population. I just wonder how people afford to live in 'da Ville at all.
But I've got it figured out. It might sound strange, but a recent spate of really crap luck with both my teeth and my car have brought clarity and answers.
Up until last April, I had never owned a car. I dreamed about car ownership. It would surely be the answer to all my prayers...or at least to my MBTA-induced woes. It would mean independence, making my own schedule, going where I wanted when I wanted, and increased mobility.
What I hadn't considered was the downside of car ownership. In the year that I've owned the car, I have had to replace the shocks (a shocking price tag was attached to this repair), the rear passenger side window, the sideview mirror (which has been ripped off TWICE), and the AC. (Of course, the AC STILL does not work. I could get it fixed again, but screw that crap. I drove around in a pool of sweat all last summer, and I'm prepared to do it again. I love the summer and have always been a fan of the heat, so I will look at this as a positive, summertime enhancing experience). If I get a little overheated, so be it.
OK, so I'm finally realizing what every car owner has been warning me about since the day I first started dreaming of owning my own car. A car is a money pit. Even without repairs, there's gas, inspections, metered parking....and the list goes on.
I'm going to leave the car thing here for a second, and move onto my next topic. Stick with me because this is all going to come back together in the end.
Teeth.
This year, when my car hasn't been draining my bank account, my dental woes have made sure to keep the money flowing out.
If you'll recall, I busted a tooth. At first, we tried a very massive and very expensive filling. When that failed to do the trick, I had a very traumatic and very expensive root canal. Subsequent to that mess I had a very harrowing and very expensive crown. That whole dental shit show set me back around 1,300 smackeroos.
Now I need a goddamned mouth guard!!! It's gonna set me back 450 dollars. The dentist claimed I'm grinding my teeth, causing trauma to one of my top teeth, and that eventually I could do enough damage to put me in a situation where I'll need another root canal. "Wow! Only $450 for a piece of plastic that'll make me look like Cluber Lang from Rocky III? Sign me up. Here's the check. I'm delighted with the prospect of spending a grand total of just under $2,000 on my teeth within a five month period!"
OK, so where the hell am I going with this, you ask? What do my hooptie and my teeth have to do with arriving at the true answer to the question of how does one afford to reside in Somerville, frequently in lovely properties?
Here it is...
I never really thought much about cars or teeth before last year. I had never owned the former, and I had never had problems with the latter. So neither were really on my radar.
Now I understand that both cars and teeth can be extremely expensive to own and maintain.
Look around Somerville, my friends.
Just go to The Sligo or Razzy's for a drink and you'll realize that none of the patrons, who also happen to reside in Somerville, have teeth or cars! Teeth only get in the way of ingesting beer, and cars only get you into trouble when you drive home after an evening at the aforementioned establishments.
And there it is. If you have no teeth, you will not face costly root canals, fillings, cleanings, mouth guards, and other routine and/or emergency dental care. If you forego a car, there will be no gas, no repairs, no meters, no inspections. It's just you and your Charlie Card, baby.
If I didn't own a car, and if I had no teeth, like many of my Somerville compatriots, I'd be living large!
So, next time you drive by one of those crazy expensive houses in Somerville, note the empty driveway and lack of toothpaste boxes in the recycle bins. It's no coincidence.
