For My Eyes Only?

My friend Scott recently asked me (via a Facebook comment on one of my "You'll-never-freakin'-believe-what-I-just-saw" status updates), "Do you think you just attract nuts or what?"

The answer to this question is an easy one. Yes, I do attract nuts. My long track record in managing to find myself next to the nuttiest bastard in the room would attest to my unparalleled magnetism with the mentally unstable.

Another friend asked me if the things I report really happen. She wanted to know if I embellish the truth, or if I might, perhaps, even fabricate these tales of woe. This is also an easy one. No. I do not make this crap up. I couldn't possibly. I'm not nearly creative, clever, or imaginative enough.

What I am is observant and eager to share.

A question that I have recently begun to put to myself is whether I'm actually seeing these things, or whether I'm just imagining them. Why would I wonder such a thing, you might ask? Here's the thing...sometimes when I'm seeing something that makes me stop short in shock and renders me utterly speechless, I realize that nobody else is even registering it or reacting to it in any way. And then I wonder how the hell people can seriously be seeing the same thing that I am seeing and NOT demonstrating any overt signs of disbelief.

I mean think about some of these things that I've seen and ask yourself if you would also be, at the very least, somewhat taken aback if you too saw them.

Snapshot:



A few months ago, a man got on the T in front of the Comm Ave Shaws. As he boarded the train, one of his grocery bags tipped over, spilling the contents on the floor. One of the items that came out was a whole coconut. The young woman who helped the man retrieve his belongings commented that she had seen the coconuts and was tempted to buy one, but lamented that she had no idea how to properly cut into one. With that, the man took a massive MACHETE out of his bag and proceeded to hack the coconut apart, by way of demonstration. At one point, the T operator came back. I was thinking, "Right, here's the part where the conductor tells the machete wielding passenger that he has to get off the T, because, well....2-foot long blades are not allowed on the T. Boy was I in for a shock when the operator simply said, "You know, I've always been curious about how to open a coconut. Do you mind if I watch?" ??????? HUH?????? As I looked around, I was expecting the other passengers to be shocked, stunned, enraged, baffled. But no...they were listening to iPods, texting, reading magazines, talking on their cell phones, and basically focusing their attentions on anything other than the lunatic who might decide, at any minute, to dismember any one of us. Luckily no dismemberment ensued. There was coconut milk everywhere, but that seems like a pretty minor casualty in light of the circumstances.

Snapshot




A woman got on the crowded T today with a legit 8X10 rolled Oriental carpet. She weighed about 90 pounds, and of course she had some rat-like dog with her. The rug was enormous and seemingly weighed a ton. She had one end of the rug on her shoulder, and was resting the other end on the dog's back. When the T pulled up, she and the dog eased onto the thing, still each holding an end of the carpet. It was amazing. This dog was literally helping this broad move this massive rug, like some kind of freakin' longshoreman. I was pretty stunned. I couldn't take my eyes off how the dog took the lead position in navigating the rug down the extremely crowded aisle, and then found the most convenient position for them to stand in with the rug. I looked around, expecting to see people as entertained as I was by this "moving-dog" but again, people were barely paying him any attention. I'll tell ya this, though, next time I have to move, I'm callin' that dog to come and help me. I mean really, what's he charge for his services, a can of Friskies or some shit?


Snapshot



I am no stranger to the concept of needing a little snack before or after a workout. It's not at all uncommon to see a gym member snacking on a Luna Bar before or after hitting the exercise floor. You'll understand my surprise, I think, when I saw a woman sitting down on the rowing machine on the fitness floor, preparing a full deli-style sandwich. She didn't have a prepared sandwich from home. She pulled out a loaf of bread, a package of Kraft American singles, a jar of mustard, a jar of pickles, a knife, and a plate and got to work assembling her lunch. I was half expecting her to pull out a side of beef and a rotating deli slicer. Shit, I was getting ready to go put in an order for a half pound of cracked pepper turkey sliced thin and pick it up after my spinning class. Again, I was expecting some Cambridge woman to come up and tell her off for preparing an entire meal on the cardio equipment, but NOBODY seemed to even register that it was going on. The woman rowing along on the machine right next to her kind of looked over, but never really had any reaction.

Snapshot



I don't think this really needs much elaboration for effect on my behalf. Some broad was sitting NAKED on a FABRIC chair (sans towel under her bare ass, mind you) in the gym locker room, snacking on a tray of sushi (complete with chopsticks, wasabi, soy sauce, fresh ginger and all the typical sushi accoutrements). I can't even tell you how floored I was. Shit, I've put my bag down once or twice on that very chair. How many other naked asses have graced that chair while dining on Pan-Asian cuisine? I can't even really think about it. I was gearing up for at least a few looks of disgust and shock. But again...NOTHING. Nobody even did a double take. I guess I made up for it because I did like a quadruple take when I saw this malarkey.

Snapshot

A man in 7-11 lets go of a disgusting, massive, loud, vial loogie. Yeah, that's right, in the middle of 7-11. INSIDE the 7-11. NOT OUTSIDE, BUT INSIDE!!! The cashier doesn't even bat an eye. The other waiting customers don't even stir. Nobody breaks stride in their talking, texting, shopping, paying, browsing, etc. I had to run the hell out of there and get home and take a bath in a straight vat of lye because I had stood within 8 feet of this swine.

I could go on and describe more of these random encounters, but the punch line is always the same. Yes, I attract nuts. No, I'm not making this crap up. And yes, I seem to be the only person in the world who notices this crap.

The Art of Nothing

On September 7th, I will enter the classroom to undertake my 16th year of teaching. I can't believe it's been that long. But I'm no Spring chicken, so there you have it.

Normally, in the summer, I'm taking courses, working (sometimes more than one job), or worse....BOTH. I've had summers that have felt more stressful than school years.

This summer, however, having saved enough money all year to eliminate the necessity for summer work, and having finally completed my courses at UMass Boston, I decided that I would spend the summer doing what millions of teachers around the world do.....NOTHING.

And I truly devoted myself to elevating NOTHING to an art form. I believe that, in taking stock of the past 6 weeks, that I have been wildly successful in that endeavor so far. I haven't perfected the craft yet, mind you. There was that ONE day that I worked at a substitute teacher in a summer school program, and there was that three-day professional development course in early August. But apart from that, I've done absolutely nothing to broaden my academic, educational, or professional horizons. And, in my defense, I got PAID for my participation in both activities, so really, you can't count them as blemishes on my "Do Nada" facade.

When we went to Germany, I almost gave into temptation a few times. Several times I was on the verge of entering a castle or museum, but each and every time, I thought better of it and got myself to a biergarten to wash away the cultural aspirations. I blame the heat for my many near lapses. Sometimes it was an effort to tear myself away from the cathedrals in order to take to the sale racks of H&M, or the self-service area of a local biergarten, but my commitment to my "do nada" goal prevailed in each and every instance. The only real work I did in Germany came in the form of lifting litres of beer to my lips (those bad boys are heavy!) and carrying my backpack around the country (a pain in the neck, literally, but not commanding of any intellectual prowess).

My computer use has pretty much been limited to (I'm borrowing my sister Lauren's word here) Facebook Fuckery. I haven't tried to learn anything or enrich my general knowledge bank in any way shape or form.

I don't watch the news on TV. If I did, I might run the risk of learning something about the world around me. That would put my "do nada" agendal in jeopardy. Speaking of Jeopardy, I love that show, but needless to say, I can't tune in this summer. I might have to showcase my knowledge about an obscure field, or worse yet, LEARN something new. Can't have that now, can we.

I usually listen to NPR, but this summer I've pretty much exclusively listened to Kiss 108. I already knew that California was on the west coast, so when I listen to Katie Perry and Snoop, I am NOT getting a geography lesson. No worries there. When I did listen to NPR yesterday, some woman was talking about how "elevating" the experience of fasting was. She spent a little too long talking about the "outcomes" of the fast, which, as she pointed out, were evident in her toilet bowl. What the what, lady? She urged all of us to "embark" (her word, not mine) on a similar "enlightening" fasting experience. I came home and immediately threw a frozen pizza in the oven and opened up a long neck Bud Light. Fuck that.


Anyway, that's about it for me this summer. If you want to come find me, look for me at the gym, at a local pub, or just hanging out in the sun somewhere. Do not look for me at work, at a library, at a museum, or any other cultural institution. For you will not find me there.