An Ode To Porter Square Shopping Center

Where the hell on Earth are we, you ask
as you reach for liquid courage in your pocket flask.
Is it a war-torn battle field?
Shall I ready my weapon and shield?
My dear little friend, fear you not
T'is just the Porter Square parking lot


The parking spaces here are impossibly tight
causing new car drivers justifiable fright
"I won't be here very long" you say
You leave your new car and you walk away
Not five seconds after you depart
Your car WILL be smashed by an errant shopping cart

Let's head to Dunks for coffee and a snack
Be sure to order extra cream if you really want black.

Next stop's Q'doba for a burrito with rice
and pinch yourself, because the employees are actually nice
Hold on, you think, wait a sec.
"This is Cambridge," after all. "What the heck?"
Aren't they supposed to treat me like chopped liver?
Reduce my humanity to a mere sliver?
They'd be rude, I'm sure, if they weren't afraid
Of a sudden INS raid.
Give a Cambridge woman hot salsa instead of mild
and she's likely to go hog wild
She'll call the INS on the double
and make sure your burrito-making ass is in trouble
Out of the country you'll be sent
to avenge the Cambridge woman the money she spent


Did you drop some salsa on your boots?
Well, head right next door to clean 'em at Zoots.
Do you have a dress to be altered as well?
They've got a seamstress named Olga, and she's just swell.
Olga comes to us from with Russia with love
But don't expect her to handle you with a kid glove
You'll advise her of your couture hopes
as she chain smokes and watches her Russian soaps
But Olga will come through, and this I swear
She'll turn out garments you're proud to wear

I'm already here so what the hell
I might as well brave Cambridge Naturals as well
I need an herbal remedy for an itch on my ass
as well as a tube of lipstick made of grass
I try to find deodorant for my pits
but eventually I call my search quits
The do-gooder at the counter informs me
that I should set my natural odor free
Apparently he practices what he rants
'cuz it smells as if he's shat his pants
I have to get out of here, I think
I can barely stomach this stink
If being "natural" gives rise to this toxic stench
Then in chemical perfumes I shall myself drench

I don't know about you
but I definitely need a drink or two
I make my way to Liquor World in a hurry
They've got plenty of booze, so don't you worry
Beer, booze, wine....they've got it all
This is seriously the best store in the mall
But of course, nothing's that easy
My shopping experience here isn't quite so breezy
Some asshole wearing a BERET
is blocking the aisle leading to the cabernet
It's fine if he wants to be a caricature of himself
but does he have to block the beer shelf?
Eventually I get in line behind this hack
And I'm effectively bludgeoned by his overstuffed backpack
You really wonder why I drink?
Just look at this shit; don't overthink.

Whatever, I'm off to Porter Square books
Where I'm sure to engender some condescending looks
from moms nursing their teenagers in the book stacks
or people at the coffee bar eating overpriced wheat germ based snacks.

I'm outta here, I'm going to Tags
Where they actually give you carbon-footprint magnifying plastic bags
I can't quite say what it is for sure
But Tags always leaves me wanting to come back for more
Maybe it's the lack of pretense
or the items to be had at little expense
You don't have to bathe in patchouli or grow a stupid goatee
You can just come in and have the ancient guy in the basement copy your key

Let's head to Shaw's, shall we?
Not sure what to say here, you see.
Yeah, they have the keepin' it real stuff
Ramen noodles and marshmellow fluff
But Shaw's has gone "Cambridgey" too
Come on in for Quinoa and Tofu
Just when you think the yuppies have managed to dominate
Go over to the customer service booth to see Shaw's true fate
The lady with one tooth in her entire head
is selling "scratchies" to a guy who looks like he's already dead
He won't let his iron lung get in the way
of his daily lottery daily game play
A Canterbridgian approaches the counter to gripe
about her package of marinated tofu tripe
Toothless Wonder and iron lung just stare her down
and strip her of her Cambridge "I'm entitled" crown.
Then I chuckle and find a bit of peace
because I know Toothless Wonder's spirit will never cease

And then of course, that leaves the gym
Healthworks Fitness Centers for her, not him
I am not sure I can even describe with the written word
All of the bizarreness I've seen and heard
Suffice it to say here an now
Well...ah....in a brief word....WOW
Why wear clothes
when everybody knows
We all want to see you whip off your full kit
and then stand around chatting, revealing arse, gut, and tit
Modesty is totally overrated
Remain fully clothed and you'll be berated

There's so much more; I could say more
But really, folks, what the hell for?