Lights, Camera, Action!

I'm no idiot. I know I'm not really supposed to believe what Hollywood tries to sell as "reality" in the movies.

Something tells me Roman Soldiers did NOT have the Nike Shox sneakers sported by the actors who brought them to life in the movie "300". I know Frank McCourt's poverty-stricken and toothless mother didn't REALLY dress in vintage Hermes and Dior like the actress who portrayed her in the movie "Angela's Ashes". I'm pretty sure that if I adopted an adorable red-headed child like "Annie", we would not lapse into perfectly choreographed song and dance routines upon her arrival at my home. I'm also fairly certain that Hitler didn't shout commands to Nazi soldiers in English as we have seen him do in countless World War II related films.

Why, then, in spite of having obtained first-hand, hard evidence to the contrary, do I continue to expect the clientele and employees of casinos to look like the cast in the popular "Oceans 11, 12, and 13" film trilogy?

I've just come back from my 3rd trip to the Foxwoods casino in Connecticut. And just this past summer, Stephen and I were in that Mecca of Gambling in the American desert, Las Vegas. I am not by any means a seasoned gambler, and I know absolutely nothing about statistical slight-of-hand that might help me beat the house. But I can speak with authority on this one thing....You are definitely NOT going to run into the likes of George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Matt Damon, Don Cheadle, or Andy Garcia in your amblings through the gaming floor.

You WILL, however, run into the following "cast of characters":

1. Skinny ass, leather-faced, washed-up old whore who looks as if she has already died and gone through full taxidermy treatment before being propped up for the rest of eternity at her favorite machine in the penny slot corner. The only (and very subtle) sign of life issuing forth is the occasional flick of the 4-inch long ash dangling precariously from the edge of her cigarette.

2. Barrel-chested obnoxious loudmouth who seems to have forgotten the advent of the shower. This creature will manage to sit in the slot right next to yours, even if ever other slot on the floor is empty. He'll then make sure to exhale a steady stream of cigarette smoke into your face throughout the duration of your play. Eventually, even if the machine is red hot and you're winning money hand over fist, you'll have to vacate the premises in order to salvage what's left of your pulmonary health.

3. Jackass who is convinced that if he/she screams loudly enough at the machine, that it will yield copious winnings.

4. Shower-phobe who has been gambling straight through the night without so much as a "freshen up" pause to get his/her bodily aromas under control.

5. Money-saver who decided to forgo the hotel room and has opted, instead, to lounge across the chairs of about 16 machines, one of which you might actually like to play. If you so much as ask this degenerate to move his legs, arms, suitcase, you'll get a dirty look accompanied by a more-determined-than-ever-to-stay-rooted-in-place attitude. I guess the rule is that once you've taken up residence at a machine (even if you're not using it, but rather using it as an ottoman to rest your weary bones, you've officially earned the right to sit there until you goddamn well feel like getting up and moving.

6. The drunken jackass, who thinks you actually traveled to the casino to hear him slur his life story, and NOT to get some gaming action at the slots!

Anyway, the list could go on. But again, what's more important than the people you ARE guaranteed to see, are the people you are guaranteed NOT to see.

There will be no Andy Garcia, no Matt Damon, no Brad Pitt, and No George Clooney.

There will be you and a gaming floor of desperados.

Just sayin.