All the News That's (Un)fit to Print

I have to start off by sending a massive shout-out to my mother, more affectionately known as "E" to her adoring family. E bailed me out of a real laundry debacle earlier this week. The jeans pictured above are from the Gap. (No, that's not me in the picture...that is the size 00 model on the website). They were originally 68 dollars, but I got them marked down for $19.99 a couple of weeks ago. I tried them on and instantly fell in love. Pants are tricky. White pants are even trickier still. So, when the fit was perfect and the price was phenomenal, how could I resist? I had to buy them.

I wore them once and miraculously enough, I didn't have any major stain situations. Even more incredible is the fact that I wore them through an ENTIRE school day without incident. I took them to the laundry mat early this week and upon removing them from the washing machine, I remarked that they were still in their pristine white condition. However, when I took them out of the dryer (tumble dry low, thanks very much), I was horrified to find them covered in small orange stains. I had no clue as to what the source of the stains was, but I pretty much mentally preparing to add them to my clothing-come-dustrag collection.

I complained about this strange stain to E, who stated, with a bold and unfaltering confidence, that she could remove the stain. She hadn't even seen it. I gave her the jeans because, after all, I reasoned that she couldn't do anything worse to them. She called me an hour later, after having attacked the stain with some miracle pre-laundry gel, a cup of bleach and some sexy new Power Tide detergent. She claimed the pants were as pure as the driven snow. I almost could not believe her because when she took them into possession, they were COVERED in this mystery orange crap.

(Lauren concluded that the stains must be rust from the metal divets that hold the jeans together in the pocket area. Because I cannot deal with what unidentified source may have been responsible for the stains in the laundromat, I chose to buy wholeheartedly into her theory and question it no further.)

Anyway, E returned the jeans to me last night and, as promised, they were perfect.

I was planning on having a huge Indian feast tonight with my friends, Peter and Michael. I was fully prepared to order Chicken Tikki Masala, with all the red, thick, creamy sauce. And I was prepared to do so in the WHITE pants. I figured, what the hell, if I spill stuff on them (or should I say WHEN I spill stuff on them), I will give them to the E, the Laundry Swami, to work her magic.

Anyway, that brings me to my next topic. This is a more serious item, so allow me to shift gears.

Peter called me to tell me that his brother's little girl, the fabulously gorgeous Sophia, had fallen and had to go to the hospital. Naturally we put off meeting, but I am asking you all to send good vibes and thoughts toward little Sophie. Peter said that she should be fine, but still...if she's in the hospital, it must have been somewhat serious. Poor little babes.

But, I was craving Indian food, and so I did pick up some Veggie Samosas on the way home. I know, I know...the worst, most fattening thing on the menu. Actually, though, they are pretty small, and I haven't had much all day in preparation for the Indian feed that never really came to fruition. Oh well, I'm sure I'll have no shortage of opportunity to get my ass down to the Indian dump one of these days. It is, after all, conveniently located right across the street from the gym!



So, anyway...

There is an ice cream store located right down the street from my school. We are in a new building this year (well, an old building, actually, but a new location for us) as we await construction of the new school. The owner of the ice cream store called our principal and invited EVERY SINGLE KID in the entire school down for a free ice cream. She accepted without hesitation. The guy probably figures he'll get his product out there and the kids will pester their parents to take them there. Of course, given the fact that most of my 7th graders are about 22 years old, they can just drive themselves down there.

The guy, when we showed up, told the kids they could have anything they wanted. Of course, anticipating that they would unleash their ability to look a gift horse in the mouth, I had threatened them with severe bodily injury (just joking, but I did make myself very clear on the point) they they had better order an ice cream cone and NOTHING more. I know these fools. They would have been down there ordering banana splits and shit.

All I have to say is that the guy could never be accused of skimping. These kids had ice cream cones the size of their heads. They could hardly even finish them. I took it upon myself to order a frozen pudding ice cream for the secretary. I HATE frozen pudding ice cream, so I knew there would be no temptation to eat it. Once again, I was thinking of my Indian feast and refrained from the ice cream bonanza.

But the kids had a great time!



My colleague and I are taking the 7th graders on a field trip tomorrow to the Museum of Science. They are running a show in the Omni Theatre about ancient Greece. We figured it would be good to get the kids out on a trip. Of course, we'll mainly go for the movie. We'll go through the motions of taking the kids through the science exhibit halls, but seeing as where they have not changed any of the exhibits over since I was a kid, I don't think there will be anything riveting to keep us there for hours upon hours.

There is a huge T-Rex statue in the main vestibule of the museum. I think what most people don't realize is that the T-Rex was actually alive and in the museum walking around the exhibit halls at one point...and the exhibit halls have not been updated since.

My colleague and I decided that we are overdue to have our freakin' heads checked. Last year, we did the same thing in taking the kids on a field trip on the last Friday of the school year. They are bound to be completely and utterly crazy. But, whatever. We can at least say that we did our part in taking these kids somewhere.



I can't wait to see the lunches the kids pack for tomorrow. For some reason, when kids go on field trips, they think they have to pack provisions that would feed the entire armed forces of a small nation. I don't know what that is all about and I don't think I will ever figure it out.

Whereas they might pack a baggie full of Pringles for a regular school day, on a field trip, they bring the entire tube of Pringles. Whereas they might bring a sandwich for lunch on a regular day, they will have a 6 foot submarine sandwich on the field trip.

I always advise the kids to order "dry" subs, without oil and pickles and any other ingredients that will proceed to leak all day long, creating the soggy bread mass we all fondly associate with our field trip memories. However, my advice usually falls on deaf ears. They all come in with huge Italian subs with extra hot peppers, pickles, oil, tomato...anything that will make the sandwich essentially turn into goulash. And they eat every last bite of it with a huge smile on their faces.

Gross.

Oh, and let's not forget the fact that they will each have an entire two-litre bottle of Pepsi to wash everything down.




Anyway, one last morsel....

I was at the gym today, warming up on the treadmill, when my nostrils came under vicious attack. I smelled the most offensive, cheap ass mens deodorant/cologne (that shit they sell by the gallon in CVS for .99) eminating from one of the male personal trainers. Healthworks is an all womens gym, but there are some male trainers and instructors. I think most of them try to get all studded up for work because they figure the ratio is in their favor moreso there than anywhere else.

However, the cologne was just completely unnecessary. Thank god I was only doing a ten minute warmup before my muscle class. Because I'm not joking when I say that if I were doing a more lengthy stint on the treadmill, I would have had to change machines.

Yuck!!