The Soundtrack to My Root Canal

This morning I experienced the utter horror of a root canal procedure. Actually, to be more precise, I endured the beginning of a root canal procedure. I have to return next week sometime for the remainder of the treatment. The doctor told me to expect to be in the chair for at least another two hours. But kids, the fun doesn't stop there. You see, upon completion of the root canal, I will have to get a crown to quite literally "top it all off".

I am armed with vicodin and prescription strength ibuprofin, both of which I fully expect to use. The novocaine has not even come close to wearing off. My entire face is numb, but I can STILL feel the post procedural pain deep down in my gums. I am not looking forward to the full force of the pain when the novocaine eventually does wear off. Suffice it to say I'll be spending a majority of the weekend in a dope-induced haze.

Will it be a bad idea to down the entire 12 pack of Michelobe Ultra that we have in our fridge along with the vicodin? I'm not actively planning that self-prescribed pain therapy "cocktail", but if need be, I'll self-medicate.

I was sitting there after the assistant gave me the X-Ray. She walked into the room with the X-Ray and said, "Yeah, you're gonna definitely need a root canal." The dentist walked in, looked over her shoulder at the X-Ray, and quickly concurred.

FUCK!

People, I am not proud of this, but I actually started crying. I really, really did. The guy hadn't even touched me yet and already I had lost all semblance of composure. Let's just say that it all went down hill from there.

The guy started explaining the procedure to me, giving me the blow by blow of what he was going to do. I actually stopped him and said, "Doctor, look at me. Do I look like I want or need to know what is going to happen in my mouth?" He considered that for a moment and decided to stop talking. Good call, doctor. Good call.

He did say that the alternative to performing the root canal would be to just extract the tooth. Christ, though. I don't want to look like a Jersey Shore cast member.

During the procedure, there were times when I FELT what was going on. Horror of all horrors. I would not wish this on anybody else. I really, really would not. I wouldn't even inflict it on the person who invented skinny jeans.

Anyway, back to the title of my post.

Of course I expected the usual cacophony of drills, scraping, suctioning, picking, grinding and whatever the hell else one's ears are assaulted with during a dental visit.

What I was not expecting was that the rather loud music issuing forth from the surround sound speakers would be coming from the XM Satellite Disco radio station.

Cool.

I did feel kinda bad for the really elderly Russian Jewish Orthodox woman who was clearly flustered and uncomfortable during Donna Summer's "Love to Love You, Baby". Not quite the Bubushka's musical preference, I guess.

The sad thing is that some of the awesome songs that would ultimately become the soundtrack to my root canal have been ruined for me forever. And they were all songs that, prior to 9:00 this morning, I LOVED!

Here's the list:

1. The Hustle: The dentist wheels the tray of torture devices (dental instruments) into the room just as the song is starting up. The once seemingly innocent whispers of "Do it!" at the beginning of the song suddenly take on extremely sinister overtones. Listen, guy, just hustle on up and get this thing over and done with.

2. I Wanna Be Your Lover: The dentist starts inserting some "dental dam" into my mouth. I probably don't need to say much more than that.

3. Off the Wall: I'm going off the wall as the dentist tells me that he things the 19 shots of novocaine that he has given me so far are going to provide sufficient anesthesia for the procedure ahead.

4. Happy Birthday To You (Steevie Wonder): I'm ruing the day I was ever born and the 36 years of moments that lead up to the busted tooth that landed me in this damn chair.

5. YMCA: I'm thinking, "Why don't I just have the damn guy pull out my tooth? Then I can just be a toothless wonder living at the Y. Anything would be better than having to endure this crap.

6. Don't Stop Till You Get Enough: Great idea. I've had more than enough. Let's put down the drills and STOP!

7. Give it to Me Baby: This ditty came on as the dentist was removing some long tube thing and INSERTING it somewhere in my tooth area, presumably into the root. Why oh why did I even look? Why? I'll have that image seared into my head forever. He gave it to me, Baby, alright.

8. There But For the Grace of God Go I: I realize that people walking outside might have a view through the long blinds. I might be on display having a root canal for the world to see. I'm sure the people on the street were thinking, "Oh, Jesus, look at that poor bastard getting a root canal. There but for the grace of God go I." That's what I'd be thinking if I saw some other sucker having a root canal.


9. Fly Robin Fly: I was pretty sure I was going to fly right out of the chair when the doctor hit an area that somehow was impervious to the effects of the novocaine.

10. Lady's Night: As the doctor was handing me the vicodin prescription, I was thinking, "It's gonna be party time tonight!"

But seriously folks, I'm blogging now because I fully expect the pain level to get ugly as the day goes on. I can't imagine I'll be in any shape to sit at the computer later on.

The double edge sword is that I didn't eat before my appointment, and I can't eat now because I'm totally numb. And I can't take the painkiller on an empty stomach. Damn, I wish I had thought that out better.

Gotta go watch "The Rise and Fall of Tiger Woods." I have to feel better about myself and the only way to do that it to bask in the glory of somebody else's failures. Sorry Tiger.