shopping woes

I know I've posted about this before. Indulge me.

It was a beautiful day today. In my meanderings through town, I stopped off at a few clothing stores. I am pretty desperate for some new summer clothes. Why not head into TJ Maxx and the Gap. A little shopping never killed anybody. Well, maybe it never killed anybody outright, but I'm sure it has killed a few people's self-esteem. I know it has put a major dent in mine.

Here's the problem. The clothes all look terrible!! Is it me, or is it the clothes? In an effort to preserve my sanity, I'm going to blame it on the clothes.

Here are the offending factors....

1. The huge, gaping pockets located square on the side pockets of every single pair of pants I tried on. Now, in a cruel twist of fate, they are even making skirts with these things! Jesus...I'm all set with heft in the hip area. Why do these clothing manufacturers think I could possibly want to look bigger in that already vast expanse??????

2. The looooooooong skinny shirts. These things literally come down to my knees. And they cling to every last inch of my bod. Gross. Sausage, anyone?

3. Conversely, the big, puffy hippy shirts. These are the things that are tight-fitting around the bust and then flowing through the bodice. Keep in mind, I've tried everything to make these things work. Because they're so loose-flowing around the bodice, I've tried going down a size from what I normally wear. That's great, save for the fact that the bust is then so tight that I look like Heidi, the German milkmaid. If I try on my normal size, the bust fits, but I'm swimming in the rest of the shirt.
So, I guess that means I can either look pregnant because the shirts are totally long and tight fitting, or I can look pregnant because the shirts flow off of my ample bosom and create the "pregnant tent" appearance. How flattering.

4. The sleeveless shirts are all absolutely massive around the arm openings. The look then becomes this "expose my entire bra and oblique area because the arm holes are so massive." Sorry to make reference to my big chest again, but Christ, if I can't fill in one of these shirts...who the hell can????? Who are they making these things for?

5. The pants that are so long that I'm stepping on 16 inches of extra material...even when I try on the freakin' petit length. Again, who are they making these pants for? I'm like six foot nine. If these pants are too long for me, I NEED to see the person whom they're designed for. I really need to see these women.

I don't know. I'm just saying.

I HATED the way every single item of clothing that I tried on looked. Then again, it is my own fault. I've been bitching about the damn Gap for ages, and yet I keep going back in there. That's it. I'm swearing off the Gap for the rest of my life. Or at least until the next time I'm in Coolidge Corner.

Hey....check this out. I got on a train today and I swear to God it was being driven by Saddam Hussein. I think they need to exhume this bastard's grave, because if I didn't know any better, I'd say he's driving the B-Line route on the green line.