Letter to Santa

Dear Santa,

I think I've been a pretty good girl this year, so I don't feel the least bit bashful about asking you for a few simple items. I always encourage to format lists as, well, lists, so as to make for easier reading. I will now follow my own advice in formatting this letter to you, dear, generous Saint Nick.

1. I am in the mood for a really nice, frosty cold beer right now. Although I would swill back a Pabst Blue Ribbon or something of equally dubious quality if I had to, I would deeply appreciate a more sophisticated, more high-quality German-brewed libation. Perhaps a nice Hacker-Pschorr or a Spaten. I know these beers can be a little more pricey than the aforementioned PBR, but I think Jerry's in Union Square might be running a deal. I am pretty sure you're sleigh will be passing by there tonight. I think it might be worth making a stop. I hear Jerry isn't really known for leaving out snacks like cookies and milk. But I'm sure he'd at least leave you a bag of wasabi peas or pork rinds and a bottle of stout. What do you think, Santa? Does that sound do-able?

2. I would love to have buns of steel like the woman who hosts the video of the same name, but I would like to have this physical attribute without having to actually perform any of the exercises. Is this within your realm of possibility? If not, you could always get me a voucher for a Beverly Hills Plastic Surgeon and the airline ticket to get me to and from the surgery. While I'm at it, my boobs could use a little lift. And I have the beginnings of little wrinkles around my eyes....Just write the surgeon a blank check, if you don't mind, come to think of it.

3. The ability to wrap Christmas gifts so that they do not look like they were done by a blind, drunk man who had no means of cutting the paper other than his one jagged tooth, and who just so happened to be in the throes of a major 9 day bender when he decided to undertake the gift-wrapping project.

4. A lifetime supply of products from my favorite companies. Aveda, Origins, Gap, Lucky Jeans, LLBean, EMS come to mind.

5. A psychic ability to know what everybody on my shopping list wants, and where I can obtain these items at their cheapest prices.

6. An ability to shed the desire to actually cave in and get a remote control for my TV. I secretly enjoy the fact that I can say I don't have one, but I also secretly wish I had one so I could just indulge in another degree of laziness.

7. Full knowledge of how to use my beautiful iMac computer to its full potential. I know there are things this computer can do, and places it can go, and that I, in my ignorance of computers in general, am not even tapping into its full power. What is that you say? I could read the manuals and watch the video clips of instructions that clearly demonstrate how to use all the features? Yeah, but that would require work. If you haven't already learned, I like to gain the benefits of hard work without actually doing the work.

8. A self-cleaning apartment.

9. Lifetime supply of Diet Pepsi. Ability to sleep soundly even after putting a major dent in my lifetime supply of this highly-caffienated beverage.

10. To be better organized.

11. A classroom full of perfect, stepford children.

12. To restore Bill Clinton back to the Presidency. Hey, say what you will about the guy (and I know my republican family members will do just that), but this lone democrat in the crowd is a huge admirer of Bill Clinton. I know Monica was a bad decision, but really, did that particular bad decision affect millions? OK, this is a politics-free zone. Sorry, sorry, sorry!!!

13. A chia head onto which I could transplant a few of Al's gorgeous curls and have a head-full of my own!

14. Permanent hair dye that would eliminate the need of touchups and re-foils!

15. A private performance by Jovi right in my living room. (Yes, a MUSICAL performance...get your minds out of the gutter people!)

16. A red Toyota Echo and a complete eradication of my reluctance to drive.

17. Chocolate that is actually good for you.

18. A huge platter of fresh sushi...right now!

19. Free iTunes whenever I want them!

20. Happiness for myself and all of you! Really!