What The Hell Is Up With That...Second Installment

Once again, I feel compelled to comment upon some of the daily happenings unfolding around me...events of which I have little or no understanding.

1. First of all, what the hell is up with these big epic action/adventure and fantasy films that are being unleashed on the movie viewing public with an unprecedented frequency?

Every time I turn around, there is some massive Peter Jackson film being released, the main characters of which are computer-generated apes and grotesque insects. I mean, really. Who cares?

As if this Kong foolishness weren't enough, now I have to contend with the release of The Chronicles of Narnia. That story is total crap. I hated it when I was forced to read it in fourth grade. I believe I refused to read it. I was a straight A student, so this could most likely be documented as my first act of defiance in the academic arena, but even as a child, I had standards.

When I opened my closet I never saw any White Witch with Turkish Delight or a regal lion named Aslan waiting to rescue the day. All I ever saw in my closet was the dreaded camel hair jacket (the very same that Lauren once claimed was too small after trying it on for my mother with 9 shetland wool sweaters underneath, thus passing the detested garment on to me and treating me to a winter or two of suffering the slings and arrows of its itchiness and choke-hold collar) or ill-fitting v-neck Winnie the Pooh sweater vest.

I digress, of course.

I'm just saying that I hate these kinds of movies. Enough of people touting their "amazing special effects" and "cinematographic genius." These movies SUCK, people. Just realize it, join me in refusing to see them, and send these directors a message that they should move on to more worthwhile projects.

A few suggestions? How about a few movies about just regular people doing regular people stuff. Look to the Lifetime network for some ideas. Lifetime movies depict the normal, daily triumphs and defeats of your average everyday person. Take the film where Bruce Boxleitner was facing the angst and judgement of his closest friends, family members and colleagues upon announcing his plans to undergo a sex change operation. Now, come on. Isn't that storyline just as Hollywood-worthy as a giant ape crashing through the streets of New York?

Or take the film starring Melissa Gilbert (a.k.a. Mrs. Boxleitner..I guess Lifetime is fond of giving movie contracts to married couples.. I wonder how fucking Almanzo Wilder feels about that..) opposite William Shatner. In this acclaimed film, Gilbert and Shatner serve up riveting perfomances as a daughter and her adoptive father who, upon learning that Gilbert's character is ill, must confront the truth of their past and embark on a search for Gilber's biological mother in order to reconstruct her medical history.

I say these human story movies are not getting the attention they deserve and are being overshadowed by completely unrealistic special effects riddled box office monstrosities that teach us nothing about life. I mean, really, which seems a more likely even that the average person will have to deal with in an average lifetime:

A. Encountering an Empire-State-Building-Sized ape whilst walking the streets of New York
or
B. Encountering a rather awkward silence upon being greeted by a pre-op Boxleitner at Thanksgiving dinner?

I think its pretty obvious that scenario "B" is the far more likely potential occurance. I don't know about you, but I'd appreciate a movie that would help me deal with this rather awkward social situation.

3. Ok, I'm done with my rage against the Hollywood film industry. I will now take up a crusade against the fashion industry. I have a few rants here. Humor me.
A. I still don't get the stupid straight-bill, tipped-to-the-side baseball cap thing. I 'm honestly feeling very out of the loop on this front. Try as I may, I simply do not get it. Why? Why do these kids want to walk around wearing their hats the same way that the 90 year old retirement-community residents in Fort Lauderdale are wearing theirs? Has anybody shown these kids a picture of the elderly mens contingency of ball cap wearers? I have tried to, believe me. I have searched on the internet for pictures, but there don't seem to be any. Please, if you can dig up a picture of your grandfather wearing a ball hat in this dastardly manner, dig it up and show it to the youth in your community. Believe me, you'll be doing them a favor. I look back and wince in pain when I see pictures of myself and my friends back in the 80's, resplendent in legwarmers, mesh half shirts and feathered wigs. I get so sad when I picture these kids having to look at pictures of themselves in these stupid hats 20 years from now.
B. My second bone of contention lies in the length of womens' pants. I am 5'8" and yet, when I try on pants, I invariably find myself standing on 9 extra inches of material at the bottom of the leg. Keep in mind that I try on the "average" length pants. I have to ask myself what all the shorter women are doing out there. And I know that, at 4 inches above the average height of 5'4" for an American woman, I am experiencing the problem at its least disturbing extreme. I need to see who these "average" women are. Furthermore, I need to see who the hell is buying the "tall" pants. I demand to see these Amazon women front and center right away! The size 2 salesgirls always reason that the jeans are meant to be worn with a heel. OK, let me go right down to that transvestive shoe store in Central Square in Cambridge (Teddy's) and buy 11'' stiletto heel and race right back here to buy these jeans. So, it would appear that the only two options are to buy these pants and either wear a reasonable heel (which will require trapsing the hems through mud and snow all day long), or buying the transvestite heels (and risk falling in the ice and thus ending up in full traction for 6 months.) Maybe I should go for the traction option. At least if I'm laid up for 6 months capris will be back in style by the time I'm up and around, and the whole issue will be solved!

3. To my fellow pedestrians in Boston.....What the hell is up with people refusing to shovel snow or, at the very least, lay sand/salt over the ice rink that accumulates in front of their homes? I swear, I saw my 32 years of life flash before my life on numerous occasions as I walked/slid to work on Friday morning. People coming out of their homes were falling down stairs, slipping and sliding across their sidewalks, and from the looks of it, suffering some pretty bad injuries. And so I'm forced to wonder why, if they don't care about protecting pedestrians in front of their homes, they don't at least take precautions to prevent their own ice-related injuries. I can't figure it out.

4. What the hell is up with my procrastination? I need to go work out. Peace out!